The Side Effects of Loving you...

 

"I'm laying in bed, eyes closed, mind full....wondering just how the hell I got to this point.  If anyone told me things would be this way when I left, maybe I would have made some different decisions.  Don't get me wrong, life isn't bad for me. I don't live in the hood, I'm not starving, my kids aren't bad kids. I'm just empty. And for me, that feeling doesn't equate peace." ~Journal entry December 15, 2019

This journal entry was from 2019.....just 3 short years ago. For those readers out there, if you've read Sister Soulja's Life After Death- Book 2  reference "Dat N***a.  He was a very beautiful man who had everything to offer but possessed an evil, selfish soul.  No matter what he did or said, they always came back.  Definitely a play on words...he knew exactly what it took for the souls to return.  It was alot of them. All of them served different purposes.  They however, thought it was just one.  Them.  As a reader we had a full view from the outside. We witnessed the deception first hand. We saw CLEARLY his intentions were less than pure. Still, as the character, they were brain washed, desperate and holding on to what they knew wasn't right but refused to accept. They paid the price many, many times before they saw the light.  Some never saw it.  I was one of those women. I allowed myself for years to be manipulated without second thought. Imagine how I felt when finally I got it.  The hurt and disgust that followed.  THIS is the side effect of loving someone MORE than you love yourself.   

I  read a tweet today on Twitter that said, "I'm so glad I didn't get what I thought I wanted."  I literally screamed at the phone when I read it.  When I tell you, I FELT THAT....I FELT that post to the core of my soul!   I've lost count on how many times I've literally prayed for something or someone only to be denied. I couldn't understand why in those moments. But now...now that I've had a chance to look back and see the things I couldn't see....I'm soooooo very grateful! I don't look like half the stuff I've been through.  Life hasn't always treated me kind. 

I'm here though.  Good days. Bad days.  Happy Days.  Sad days.  I make the most of it.  I know that everyday won't be a good day, but I find some good in EVERY day.  

Have you checked on your "strong friend" (trigger post)

 (Disclaimer- this post may be a trigger) 

First I wanna say, MENTAL HEALTH IS REAL and DEPRESSION ISN'T JUST TEMPORARY.  No one can tell you how YOU feel or what YOU should be doing.  No one can tell you they understand when they have never experienced it before.  We didn't just wake up one day and say, I think I wanna be sad today.... we try to shake that shit just like we do the rest of our problems, but in all honesty...it's hard af to overcome.

Today I came across a post of a young college student who committed suicide....and, it broke my heart.  I cried for her because I felt the things she said in her note. I understood, in those moments of reading, how mentally tired she was.  Even with the village that (seemed) to surround her, she was TIRED.  Tired of pretending, tired of crying in the dark, tired of talking about her feelings that no one really seemed to understand.  I can only imagine the emptiness she felt in those last moments.... her internal battle of could she live for another day. She couldn't.  She didn't.  Her mind was sooo full and all she wanted...all she needed...was to feel free.  

I've heard people say it's the younger generations that suffer from it the most.  That they aren't as tough as the older generations.  THAT'S NOT TRUE. DEPRESSION has NO AGE.  It doesn't pick a body based on age...based on color...based on social classes.  ALOT of people suffer from it! But sadly, society makes depression out to be this heinous disease; and even the mere mention of it grants you looks of disgust or sympathy as if you aren't human anymore as a result.  So what do you do? You fake it.  You walk around and pretend you're okay.  You fix everyone else's problems while avoiding yours.  You are the strong friend.  The one with all the answers.  The one everyone can call...but struggles for reciprocation. 

We are really out here fraud.  Out here feeling like we aren't enough..... BUT WE ARE.  YOU ARE ENOUGH! I don't care what you're struggling with.  EVERYTHING gets better.  No...you may not see it and life is kicking your ass right now.  Still, you AREN'T alone!  It's SOOOOO many of us taking "L"s while everyone else is winning.  It's so many of us wondering when will it be my turn.  It's so many of us that wishes someone understood how worthless we feel.  

You aren't built to quit though! All of us have purpose.  Each day we open our eyes, God assures us that he spared our lives for another chance to get it right.  I don't care how many sessions of therapy it takes.  I don't care how many prayers you say.  I don't care how many journals you write.  As long as you don't give up on YOU.  

.....Have you checked on your strong friend? Or....are you the friend?