I went from wanting to cry- to my chest pounding- to feeling the most indescribable hurt I've ever felt. I literally sat on the floor in the shower, curled into a ball, and cried. I cried so much my throat burned. It did nothing to calm how I was feeling. But, I refused to call anyone. I was low key embarrassed to have to admit that I was having one AND I didn't want them thinking I was crazy. I knew once I said it, the phone calls would be endless asking me if I'm okay and giving me all this advice on how to manage it....and what I SHOULD do. lol Like do you really think I schedule these things? I meditate, pray, practice self care....it stops NOTHING. OK? NOTHING. Ok...I digress.
So, here I am today. At work. Irritable, sleepy, and emotionless. It's in these moments I wanna not get out of bed and disconnect from the world. What scared me most about yesterday was the fact that no matter what I did, I couldn't shake how I was feeling. Almost as if I was only a shell of myself. I made a post before talking about the young lady who committed suicide and how I could relate to how low she felt....I wonder in her last mental state did she experience the things I did.
Post work day today....sleep. It's two things I do when I'm feeling this way. 1) disconnect from people 2) sleep To me, those are the only "safe" ways out. I don't self medicate. I don't transfer my energy to others. I think of it has my body saying ok...you have been clearing the clutter but not enough. That may not even be the case. Still, that analogy works for me.
I posted my feelings today for the person that feels like they are in it alone....for the person who feels like they aren't normal. This happens but we can't stop moving forward. Deal with it as you may...just don't stop dealing.
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