Existing on Empty

 

I am undeniably an empath. I hate to see people lonely or sad or angry....I take on the same feelings they are feeling with an attempt to fix whatever the problem is.  The issue with that is, while I'm out here sharing the feelings of others, no one takes the time to share the things I'm feeling.  

My friends tell me I'm alone because I'm too picky. And I may be to a degree, I admit that.  But don't we all have preferences?  Don't we all have things that we like and dislike?  I'm the first to say that we all have some level of dysfunction...ALL OF US. That's totally normal.  The trick is, finding someone whose dysfunction can mesh with yours. 

The older I get, the more I focus LESS on the physical characteristics.  I'm not saying I don't bring those things into play...I'm saying, I'm not looking perfect because I'm far from it.  Give me someone cares about their appearance... who shows me how much he cares with balance...someone who is okay with comfortable silence...who can pray with me and for me...who takes care of home and finances...and last but not least CONSISTENT.  

I'm tired of dating and still feeling empty.  I'm tired of settling with someone because they're nice.  Is it wrong for me to want other things as well? Are the days of being a hopeless romantic unreal? I had a conversation with a friend some time back and I made the statement "I just don't wanna die alone." Not in the sense of no family.  Because I have family and friends who love me.... But alone in the sense of feeling and experiencing unconditional love.  I often feel as if I may have found my person during my season of healing and missed my opportunity for true love.  Prayerfully that's not the case.  

...One day.  But until then I will EXIST on EMPTY.....

If UNAPOLOGETIC was a person....(Angela Bassett)

 

Angela Bassett.  A beautiful, strong, amazing black Queen.  We remember her from What's Love Got to Do With It, Waiting to Exhale, Black Panther, Wakanda Forever... taking on each role as if it was written JUST FOR HER.  But what puzzles me the most, was/is each occurrence at the Oscar's.  Time after time her movie was nominated...and time after time they have yet to acknowledge Queen Angela's flawless roles in each. Fitting for an Oscar in EVERY role.  

A tragedy. 

Not so much of a tragedy because we THINK she should have won an Oscar.  Moreso, a tragedy in us KNOWING she DESERVED an Oscar.  We knew it, she knew it.  Yet, they expected her to smile with grace as they lifted her up only to tear her down.  No thank you.  I think Zora Neal Hurston said it best. "If you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it." As African American women working in Hollywood,  they have to work twice as hard to recognized for the bare minimum.  They have to uphold a standard not only in our communities, but THEIR communities as well. 

I have no qualms in saying, I stand with Queen Angela.  She's song your song and danced your dance.  Her feelings are that of her own.  HERS.  She's not a puppet void of feelings. How many times did you expect her to keep smiling through the pain?  Give her this time to grieve. Grieve the loss of an incredible performance.....only not to be acknowledged.  

#ifUnapologeticWasAPerson #QueenAngelaBassett 

~She Stings. 

Is Happiness really a choice?

 

Happiness is a choice.  I tell myself this every morning as I do my words of affirmation and while journaling.  It is...the ability....my ability to put every possible positive effort in TODAY.  I can't fix what happened yesterday because yesterday is gone, I can't control tomorrow because it hasn't occurred yet, but TODAY...today in MY MIND is a mold of clay just waiting to take form.  

I've heard more times than I can count that happiness is NOT a choice.  That happiness is adjective describing your feelings and not a verb fueling them.  I disagree.  HAPPINESS IS A VERB. Happiness, when chosen, drives your ENTIRE day. Happiness occurs the moment you allow yourself to see the positive in EACH facet of your day. Granted, not everyday is a good day. Some days you don't feel it.  Not people, not work...you just wanna be.  But it's in those situations that we have to remind ourselves that even in rough times, happiness is always present. 

I'll go deeper...

In all honesty, as a single parent, my happiness is what keeps me going. If I didn't have even a piece of my happiness, I don't know how I would make it through most my days.  The pressure of balancing work, home, kids, grandkids, prayer life, finances....it's ALOT.  I'm just saying with everything you have going in life, you should have one thing.....just one that brings a smile, some glimmer of hope to yourself.  

For a long time, I had to have someone in my life.  I felt like in order for me to be happy, I had to make someone else happy. THEY had to complete ME.  But as I've grown older, as I've experienced more, I realize it's not another person that will complete me.  They may ADD to me...they may become the BONUS factor...the end game though....it all begins with me and MY HAPPINESS is not only a choice but LIFE. 

 

Transitions in Motion....

 

As you can see, the name of my blog has changed.  One morning, shortly after my surgery, I was laying in bed thinking about my logo and cover for my journal.  After a year of work, my journal is finally complete and basically ready to be published.  I've been toggling back and forth with how I would reach both males and females because feelings aren't gender based.  So....I decided to go back and read my journal one last time in an effort to come up with an idea.  When I got to my third entry, I realized my journal mimicked the many journals already out there. And.... more importantly it wouldn't reach the people who really needed it.   People like me.  Single parents.  Male or female that are struggling with everyday life.  I guess you already know my next words....my journal is being rewritten.  But...it's coming.  

2022 was one of the worst and best seasons of my life.  Career wise I've excelled and learned so much.  However my personal life was so freaking mentally draining until at one point, I literally wanted to disappear.  If you looked at me from the outside, you would think I was one of the happiest, focused, motivational people you ever seen.  But if you followed me home....whewww. 

So many people like me hold it together for appearances....public, family and work. We put on such a façade that no one in a million years would even fathom the thought of us struggling mentally.  And we want it that way.  We WANT normalcy; even if it's in small amounts.  We stay busy, day in and day out to ensure the clutter in our minds never become a reality.  Not for one second.  

People always talk about the tenacity of single parents without no real knowledge of the true struggles we encounter.  Yes. They see the financial struggles.  They see the difficult kid or kids.  They see the lack of personal intimacy.  In the same instance, they don't see the sleepless nights trying to figure out the next day. They don't see the tears and hear the questions we're asking God because the same prayers that we've prayed are being answered ten fold to others around us.  

But....we are continually moving forward.  Transition after transition.  Working, crying, praying.... YES. We are praying.  If I could count the number of times people said to me, Shun you have to pray and do the right things before God will acknowledge your requests. Stop.  If you are that person that says that to a single parent, PLEASE take a seat! When I tell you, you can do EVERYTHING that you can the right way and STILL struggle....trust, it happens.  We don't need or want you tryna tell us, what we're doing wrong because at the end of the day, you're probably struggling with just as much.  ~She Stings