Protect your peace

 

“People are dream killers-you’ve got to be careful who you give emotional access to.” – Tyrese Gibson

 

He definitely aint lying.  Everyday we out here tryna please people who could care less about our emotional stability.  It seems, the older I get, the more I evaluate the people around me....people that have been in my corner for years.  Why does it take so long to realize that those accolades weren't real...those prayers didn't exist...and those just playing jokes were the truth? 

I once took a month off social media.  Like completely disconnected.  I took that time to exercise, to journal, to meditate, to pray....I even fasted.  I asked God to remove people and things from my life that wasn't in line with what He has for me. And baby.....the people and things He removed......whewwwwwww.  I was crushed! So much so that I didn't realize the burdens I no longer had.  I didn't know how to deal with it.  But wait...you know what I did next?  I went right back to the things he removed.  I made excuses for what they did....made excuses on why I remained.  

Now here I was right back where I started and blaming the devil for it.  It wasn't him though! THIS whole mess was all me! Instead of accepting my part in all this foolishness, I was deflecting the blame.  Then one morning, as I was listening to Pastor Keion's podcast.  He was talking about how we pray for things and then when we get what we pray for (just not in the form we want it) we try and toss it back with stipulations.  He said not only should we be praying for answers, but the strength in accepting those answers! And let me tell you something...lol THAT episode was my OUCH moment. That was my reality check.   

Shortly after, the dynamics of my prayer changed.  I not only prayed for the things I couldn't fight alone, but also the answers I needed, acceptance to the answers AND the desire to change it all.  I wanted to feel good about protecting MY peace.  It was in that moment,  I decided to please myself JUST AS MUCH as I try to please others. I owed it to myself to regain control of MY life.  How can I hold someone else accountable for THEIR actions when I don't even hold MYSELF accountable? That part. 

Stop accepting the bullshit.  Stop making excuses for people.  Stop riding the rollercoaster of emotions and expecting new results.  They heard you the first time.  Peace won't EVER be true peace unless you protect it.  

 

Live in your SEASON

 Lord, at times I feel as if Im sinking- in my attitude, my thought patterns and even in my Faith.  Forgive me for letting negativity have power over how I feel, think and live.  Fill me with a fresh breath of optimism today, and help me learn to transform my thoughts, heart and life.  In Jesus' Name, Amen. 

I was gonna blog today about Will Smith's breakdown at the Oscar's....but then I thought why? Why add to the trend of  tryna figure out what happened?  It happened.  That's THEIR business.  I'm sure we all have enough of our own to keep busy.

Moving along.... 

I woke up frustrated this morning.  My task list hasn't made any major moves in a minute. It's like the more I try to accomplish, the more things come up that stops me.  Meanwhile, it seems everyone around me is winning.  I've literally changed my entire outlook on life and still I'm feeling stagnant. I sat down and prayed...meditated... journaled.... nothing changed.  Time was continuing to pass quickly and I had no choice put to drag myself off the floor and prepare for work.  I just wasn't for it today. I didn't wanna deal with people at all. Then I walked into my bathroom, and my bright pink sticky note greeted me.   LIVE IN YOUR SEASON.  And it hit me.  I can't move forward until I release what's behind me.  Yes...I've made changes in my life, but it's so many things, so many people that remain that I know needs to be removed.  I keep opening doors I prayed God close.  Instead of praying for answers, I need to be praying that God give me understanding and acceptance of those changes. 

Life IS about changes, bruises and learning to dance in the rain.  It's learning to live within your season despite the circumstances.... Listen. NOBODY is perfect. I don't care how well put together someone is, everybody has faults! Stop looking at the next person wondering why you're not as blessed as they are.  Who says they're blessed? Do you have any idea of what it took to get the things that they have? Focus more on you.  Mind your own grown business.  

Sometimes your truth isn't YOUR truth

 

I opened my eyes and thanked God for waking me up (as I always do)....the sun was shining through my bedroom window, the house was quiet and everyone was still sleeping.  My first act of the day is to drop  to my knees and say my prayers... so I did.  But when I got up, I had this different sense of... I guess I can call it peace.  I couldn't though, for the life of me, understand what it was linked to.  I knew today would be busy.  Several stops to make and only a small window of time to get it done.   

I'm (was) the quiet one in the family.  I did what I was told. I didn't like confrontation. I was the peacemaker..... and despite all this, I had no real peace myself.... I always made sure everyone else was good...put everyone else as a priority.... then today happened.  

I'm planning an event for the coming weekend.  Mind you I gave everyone a heads up.  No one had immediate issues with the date.  Then yesterday it starts...I won't be coming....this person said they aren't coming (nope they didn't tell me- someone else did and I had to confirm it after that).... someone else wanted a time change... someone else said it's too far..... you see where I'm going with this? Sadly...this isn't the first occurrence. 

But what happened this time was me saying, I don't care who comes or doesn't come.  I'm not changing anything. The door of grace has been closed. For the first time in my adult life, I am done. I've always had issues with staying silent. I, in my own way of wanting to be accepted and liked, allowed myself to yield to others and their demands so much until it became normal. THIS, wasn't MY truth though.  

I said all that to say... it's not okay to live in someone else's truth. It's not okay to constantly bend over backwards for everyone else and they give you the bare minimum.  I'm saying start matching the same energy you are given!  Because, FOR ME....I no longer care and I wish that I opened my eyes sooner.  

Truth vs. Reality

 I tend to ask people I'm getting to know, "what's your level of crazy?" (lol) and each time I get the same response, "what do you mean or I'm not crazy at all" I know...it's not a normal question. But I feel like everyone has a taste of crazy in them; some are just more obvious than others.  The answer lies in what drives you to get out of bed each day...what you consider "living". Is it because you're expected to get up everyday, are you working towards a goal, or because YOU know YOUR purpose? I can say without a doubt that craziness comes into play with all of those scenarios.  You wanna know why? Because despite what our mouths say, our minds don't always agree. We....struggle with our truth vs. someone else's reality.

How many of us are transparent when it comes to speaking and living in our truth? I mean TRULY transparent without the worry of what the world will think? Sadly....I don't think it's many.  That's why so many of us struggle with our own identities! OUR OWN! It's not acceptable to think this way, it's not acceptable to dress this way, it's not acceptable to express this or do that.....So we mask it. Mask it so much so we lose sight of who we really are.  

And so it begins.....

 SHE (me, you, your mom, sister, cousin, best friend...) STINGS (hurts, acts out, tunes out, defends....) 

"What's my purpose?" How often have you asked yourself that question? How many days have you laid in bed at night not being able to sleep because your mind is consumed with things you can't control? If you are anything like me, it's more often that not.  I used to think that finding my purpose would be simple....that all I had to do was make a few changes and it would reveal itself all on it's own.  That's the stupidest concept I ever came up with. hahahahahhahaha To even get to that point, I'd have to get all the frustrations out of my brain to make room for happy and clarity. HAPPY and CLARITY.  When was the last time I was truly happy? And most importantly, have I ever had clarity? From the outside looking in, I have those things.  But if you could see the core of me, you'd see the pain I mask everyday. Why is it "the happiest people (on the surface) are the ones suffering the most?

How did I even get here? I can't understand for the life of me how anyone can be so emotionally detached! NO...I'm not speaking on a suicidal level, so let's be clear about that.  I'm talking about WANTING to detach from the world in an attempt to create sanity. I mean, is it even possible to be sane and alone? Even in my zone of brainstorming or even role playing, I can't fathom the thought of being ok with being alone all the time.  I can say however, everyone has their own levels of crazy, AND, how they manage that crazy determines how they function in life.  Simply put, my goal is to live my best life....but what is that?