Living in YOUR truth

 

Ok....let's catch up shall we?  It's literally been two weeks since I've posted and I haven't mastered the art of reaching multiple goals without at least one of them suffering.  Journal content is coming along....I'm loving the guise of reviewing the content I'm putting into it and taking my time that I don't "rush the process". This will be my first BIG publication.  I hadn't published anything outside of poetry and I'm super excited to see how this will go.  Completed the 60 mile challenge for April and looking forward to May's challenge. I am...for the first time in my entire adult life....LIVING in MY truth.  It's one thing to live, but it's another to LIVE.  How often do we look at others "living their best lives" and wondering how the hell did they get there? lol I was definitely one of those people.  I wanted to live in my OWN truth, but in the process continue to please people.  There's no such thing. You are either going to live in your own truth and piss people off or please people and be miserable.  No gray areas love. 

Living in your truth means you accept YOU.  Flaws (in progress or not) and all.  Now...I'm not saying stop growing...stop hustling...stop being a better you..... I'm saying be TRANSPARENT with YOURSELF. Accept the things YOU love about you and CHANGE the things you can live without.  NO ONE carries your burdens but GOD, so you don't owe ANYONE an explanation of how you live your life.  Be unapologetic about who you are and what you stand for.  Be your own cheerleader. LOVE yourself. 

If I had known years ago that I would have the peace I have now from simply being me, I would've started a long time ago.  But the truth is, we all want to be accepted and loved- even at the cost of jeopardizing our own happiness.  Is it worth it? hmph.....I'm sure that answer is debatable.  Still, for ME, I'm choosing to live in my own truth. And if that means riding or eating alone, I'm perfectly okay with that.   

You ain't for everybody...

 

Let me give my two cents for the day.  

I'm a true believer that we are our biggest critics.  I'm also a believer that some us dislike our flaws so much that we begin to believe that NO ONE could accept us AS WE ARE.  This way of thinking typically leads us to end up with people who are readily available and not necessarily your choice.  This person lacks most of your expectations....fails to show up emotionally... buuuuuuttttt it's better than being alone right? WRONG.  

Why is it, single is not ok? Why is it having standards is paired with WANTING to be alone? YOU have EVERY right to want what you want! Single is ABSO FUCKING LUTELY okay! It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or you want too much. STOP letting people tell you that you're gonna die alone...STOP letting people tell you everybody got their shit with them. Last time I checked, ALL of us are gonna die alone! And as far as people having shit...yep....they do. But you draw the line to how much or IF you wanna deal with THEIRS and YOURS! That's the difference! 

It's so many people in relationships....marriages....situationships that are miserable and WILL NOT leave. Whether it's because they have to have someone or they don't wanna start over or their concern for other people, they made the choice to stay.  YOU (SINGLE PEOPLE) have the choice.  YOU have the upper hand. YOU get to decide the terms going into ANY of these narratives before it happens. No one will feel what you feel....no one will understand the depth of your unhappiness.....and no one certainly will tell you that you made a FUCKED UP decision after it's done.  

At the end of the day, YOU AIN'T FOR EVERYBODY.   Date yourself. Love yourself.  Set the standard of WHO you are to YOURSELF and make that a requirement of WHO YOU choose. 

That's all.  

EVERYDAY ISN'T A GOOD DAY- And that's OKAY!

 "Everyday isn't a good day but you should make the best of everyday."  Not entirely sure who came up with this quote but it's bullshit.  There ARE days where no matter how much you try, you simply DON'T WANT to make the best of everyday.  Sometimes life comes in and says in it's Kanye voice " I know you good and everything, but it's time I came in and f***ed everything up."  Just like that and it ain't shit you can do about it! I haven't blogged in over a week.  LIFE HAPPENED.  I didn't feel like being positive OR negative.....in that moment... those moments....I just wanted to exist.  

...and that's OKAY.  You know why?  Because despite the expectation of making the best of everyday, it's simply NOT realistic.  Did I meditate and pray? Absolutely.  Did I get up and go to work? Absolutely. NONE of that changed my disposition.  I was dealing with stuff that "I" needed to deal with.  I needed to work out things on my own in order to move forward.  I didn't want anyone's opinion.  I wanted to get in my OWN head and work things out.  I've heard time and time again, sometimes life can be better if we get out of our heads.  But if we're to be honest with ourselves....how is that true? It's in those moments of quiet when you sort through the mental clutter taking up space in your head.  Now...I'm NOT saying ALL those moments are productive in extracting negativity.  Real talk....I LOVE my therapist baby!  She is the GOAT! 

But what I AM saying stop hyping yourself because somebody told you that you were buzzkill for the day and everyday is a good day.  IT'S NOT.  Everyday is a DAY. Now how you want to tackle or not tackle your day, is YOUR OWN GROWN BUSINESS!  And whoever has something to say, oh well.  F**k dem people.  This is your life to live.  Live it.  

Be YOU...Unapologetically

 I have always been different.  For as far back as I remember, I have never fit in with just "one" crowd...and to be honest I've never really "fit in".... Each group I encountered, I never felt completely comfortable as if I was a part of them. And that bothered me.  Even into adulthood, I've always wanted to be a part of something; to be tied to a group- have girlfriends, take trips and post selfies.  It just never "felt right."

Then some years ago, after my divorce, I decided to explore the dynamics of who I really am.  By exploring I meant EVERY aspect of my life.  (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) I disregarded every expectation that anyone else had of me that I didn't fully embrace and begin to move different. It was then I went from "the quiet one....the good child" to "aggressive and difficult". Why is it when you put yourself first or express how you feel, it's wrong? 

Does it bother me? Of course it does.  I have days when things are said that I remain silent just so I DON'T come across as aggressive. I believe that everyone has an OPTION to be themselves. More importantly, no one should give that power over their lives to anyone else.  But it happens! Do you know how many people walk around here pleasing everyone else and they are dying on the inside?  Look at Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams.  Who would have thought that they struggled with happiness? NOBODY!!! 

Yeah...it's easier to go with the flow than against the grain.  Still...at what cost? To say you made the world happy while sacrificing your own? Ugh. There are days I literally cannot.....days I wanna unplug from the world and be transparent.  I struggle to be myself and that's sad.  I'm sure it's plenty of you out there that feel the same way.  You wanna just be you...without judgement...unapologetically.  I wish that I had the answer on how to totally get there.  The world would be so much better.  But until then, start taking moments to yourself...stop overthinking life and just live....I don't care how many times it takes to get there, we're deserving of that.